Give First, Then Ask

Posted on February 7, 2007

Giving creates a special bond. Start relationships with others by giving them something of value first. Quality people will give back, creating a cycle of generosity.

In my book, The Feel of the Deal; How I Built a Business through Acquisitions, I spotted a key buyer and informed the competitor I was just getting to know about the big opportunity soon to pass by his booth.

Too many people focus on their own personal gain when they think about how to connect with another person. Admittedly, we are all motivated by the hope of personal gain, but the direct approach is worn out. Make guilt your friend, and take a two-step approach. Give first, then ask for what you want.

It seems simple, and it is. Before you make the call, or make the approach, try and think up something that would help the other party. It could be information, or maybe it’s a pizza during the setup of their show booth. Then just give it away. Don’t ask for the return favor in the next breath. Just give it to them, and let the equity in the relationship shift to you. Most people are loath to “owe you,” and will work to give you something back, in some form or another.

For a number of years, I had a business partner who did this unfailingly. He’d keep hard candies in his pocket and would drop a few on your desk all the time. He’d always grab the tab at lunch. He’d loan people money in hard times. He loved to entertain. He’d buy people little treats. He was generous. I often wondered how he ever kept any money in his bank account, and at first I thought he was nuts. But over time, I saw how many people felt a special bond with him and how his generosity served him well. Honestly, it was not just his “giving” that did the trick (he had other positive traits) but it was a key part of his success.

Ideally, if you give regularly in a relationship, and the other person is giving back regularly, you will both forget who is next to reciprocate and wind up with some level of commitment to each other, perfect for setting the stage for business deals. But if the other person turns out to be a taker, never returning anything of value, then you will have learned a valuable lesson about their character, and should be cautious (in fact reticent) about doing any deal with them.

Takeaways:

• Giving creates a special bond. When you want something from the other person, you’re more likely to get it.
• Before giving, think about what the other party wants or needs.
• How someone reacts to your generosity reveals their character.